The Realm of Possibility

just the motivation i needed, a little taste of life. and it tastes so good. i need more. more life. i dont have much life. no wonder i havent felt very alive.

mhmm...i need some fun. i need something to look forward to. i feel so dull. i feel no love of living life. actually, it's been a little while since i have disgusted myself. today, i guess i'm just seeing myself in that light. i look so fat to me, and so acne-ridden. i feel dumb, like i'll never excel at anything. i feel like i'm wasting time. like i'm stalling for life. like i do nothing, and i do. i wish i werent so afraid to just say, fuck it. there are so many options, i'm just too dumb to think them through on my own so that i can actually make the plunge into a risk. boy oh boy, am i good at complaining. in no state, no place, with nothing can i be content, it seems.

that old exercise: i would be happy if...
almost all my thoughts fit that structuring. i swear i dont know what i'm doing with myself. it's this school. if i lived with nick, i would have two extra hours to sleep in, two extra hours in the afternoon. i would have to work to pay rent, but there are so many benefits. by february i should have about $2000 if i start working in november. i dont even need a car, though that would probably help me out a lot. i could have enough for a couple months rent for a room, utilities, and groceries. min. wage 20 hr. wk = $543 per month

rent 200-250
util. 50
groc. 100-150

so, I could do it, and still be able to save up some money. not much, only $600 in 1/2 yr., but that's not including full time weeks here and there, and more hours every now and then. when i get my own place i'll be living super-frugally anyways, i dont need a whole lot of money for furnishings and the like. maybe i'll stay until march..haha. that's an extra $543.

car= $2000
2 months rent/ut.= $500
2 months groceries= $200

= $2700. = 398 hrs. i can make that in 4 months if i work 25 hours a wk.

i'll have all that saved BEFORE i move in. then, the first two months i'm there, i can put back all of the money i make.

it would probably be a better idea to wait to move out until may, but, i'll reap tremendous benefits in school from this, if i can do it. so, i'd really like to be able to move out earlier. if i could spend less on food, which i'm sure i can, i could save money that way, and maybe i could pay less for rent?

know what i miss? staying up late, and using the quiet time to do whatever i want! the high that results..the great spurts of energy sprung out of stillness from juicing...the expansion of experiencing, the altering of consciousness, weed...

i juiced today, but i got home at 5 feeling as bad as i did on the second day of my water fast. i'm not sure why. i think it is the increase of sugar intake over the last couple weeks. in one day i already began to feel intense detox symptoms. i ate a whole head of broccoli, salad w/o dressing, 1/2 pb and banana on wheat sammich, 1/4 c. almonds, and 2 cups coffee/banana/artificial creamer. i know, i know. so not raw or pure.

i'm going to indulge occassionally. that's the only way i wont over-indulge. i would juice to curb this tendency, but with having to go to school from 5-5, and only having a thermos which carries 3 1/2 c. juice, i can't do it. i dont know why. i could do it during the last few days of my 18 day juice feast.

i know i eat to avoid doing homework. i need to fit exercising into my schedule. i wonder if i should wake up earlier to fit exercising into my schedule, or exercise when i get home from school, at 5. hmmm??

i think i'm going to try a master cleanser. i can just fill up a gallon. and take a liter of water, as well. sounds do-able to me, but then again, i think things sound realistic theoretically in my head, when in reality, they are not.

yay for a good mood. it's definately the pills. definately. whew, life savers. sylvia probably could have written poetry for so many more years if she'd only just been born a couple decades later. ah well, "if"s dont really change anything.

lalalalalalala. i'm debating making myself another glass of coffee, staying up and doing my homework. it would be a very smart move on my part, i think. since it is 12:30 and i havent done any of it, i might be up all night. tommorrow-homework: immmediately. IMMEDIATELY.

so..NIN concert. DOUBT play. SWING DANCING. DRUM CIRCLE. BIRTHDAY. HALLOWEEN.

I've got so much to look forward to. This is so good.

I've gotten out of the habit of keeping my thoughts organized. I need to start doing that again. I'm not really doing anything productive with any of my free time, or most of my time, really. Productive for myself or for what others want from me. I guess school is an investment in my future. I'm investing time and effort. I've probably typed these exact same words before.

More words I have typed before: fucking discipline.
Got to work on that. Got to. Got to. Got to.

Like, if I cared a whole lot, I could stay up and do my homework, but for some reason, it isnt important enough to me; i just dont care very much. But, not meeting my own standards, I'll have trouble sleeping because I'm disappointing myself. Also, I don't really feel like I have the mental or physical energy to stay up another couple hours. I might if I drank the coffee.

I read once somewhere within something about psychology that one who contradicts oneself will tend to struggle internally whereas one who doesnt will not. or in other words, one who doesnt hold high standards for oneself, does not feel disappointed in oneself. on the other hand, one who does hold high standards for oneself, but constantly fails to meet them, feels disappointed in oneself. now, which is worse? to be content with oneself, at peace in this sense. or, to hold higher standards for oneself, yet not meet them, feeling disappointed in oneself as a result?

The psychology part I did not define the idea/ fact very well. The words I use make this seem very obvious, but it was a more subtle statement that rang a bell that should have been an obvious truth. Being the latter individual, I think that the former is ideal. But, I think I need an unbiased opinion.

Anyways, it's coming on 1'o'clock, so I dont know. Hmmm...

compulsive. self-repulsive. self-distortion. self-deceit. reactive. highly sensitive. not quite clear. returning to the fog. sinking away from clarity and ground. ground begins to wobble, i begin to lose my footing. footing is lost. i am lost. i know the way back. i know the way back now. but, i want some help. i want more help now. gave me something to swallow and some liquid to swallow it with. i'll make it back, then. fuck. fuck. bitch. over-reacting. over-compensating. over-eating. over-analyzing. self-sabotage. self-injury. self-fucking-pity. fucking self-obsession. i need a life. i need a fucking life. i need a fucking job. i feel like a job would solve a lot of fucking problems. i want to rip my skin off. i want to slice my fat off. i want to scrub my face raw. i want to sew my eyes wide open. i want to peer inside all of your skulls. i want to staple my lips together. i want to nail my fingers to the headboard. i want to thread my hair into the pillowcase. i need to sleep. i need to sleep. dont do this again, lela. dont do it, again. you can get back up right now. get up right now. go to sleep. then, wake up. wake up. wake up.

i'm getting down. down, down, down. i hate the word. it describes this horrible sinking motion so well though. i can't fly up. but i can get up and climb up. fucker. i get so mad at myself. i am a big critic. i am sitting in my own shout box screaming the worst things anyone could say to me, to myself. i am a horrible enemy, my only enemy. i am dumb. i'm getting depressed thoughts. i know it's not good to do without permission from my psychiatrist, but i'm going to double up on my medicine. i'll get a refill at the end of this week and i have enough pills to double up. i've got to break these habits. the longer i go on the same as i am the harder it gets. the less strength i have. the more depressed i get. at least now, i can put on a happy face and i can get through the day. yeah, that's good. but, then i get home and i'm so tired of the day, i just want to go to sleep, but i dont go to sleep. i want to say fuck this natural shit and drink some coffee in the morning when i need a pick me up, and take some melatonin when i need to sleep. i want to smoke some weed every now and then, 'cos my mind recoils and folds back up. this is where the critic shuts up. the critic doesnt say, "you're just being weak". the critic silently agrees. and i, i agree. is this wrong? i cant see it if it is. i cant, at least not in this state.

sleep. if i go to sleep now, i could be to sleep by 9:30. i could wake up by 4 and do my homework. yeah. i could. if i do it. i can do it. i want to do it with a sleeping pill.

bitch.

what is this? bitch.

it starts with something small. a slip here. a procrastination there. and then, the mistakes start piling up, and then, burying me. well, better to pull myself back out sooner than later.
seriously, lela, why make things harder for yourself?

i have this friend who dedicates to school. she even told me school is her thing. well, it is so hard for me to do that. but, i want to do well. really, i just want to go to my writing classes, be around art, and then, graduate. all the other classes i endure. the only reason i can think that i really want to do well is to feel better about myself. to discipline myself and dedicate myself so that my strength of will is evident. yeah, i'd be proud of that. it's just something to be proud of. but, i'm not making myself proud about anything.

i think i like this. i think i like wallowing in my own self-fucking-pity. i think it's easy. i think depression taught me where to go to have excuses and whine. just go down. get down, down, down. well, fuck that. so being happy means having evergy and motivation which means i dont have an excuse? i think maybe the problem lies in the enduring lack of motivation. i still dont really have the motivation except that i like the idea in my head of making great grades.

it'd be easy if i wasnt so lazy. it'd be easy if highschool was like college and i didnt have to go to class. i go to a lot of classes where my time is wasted. i wouldnt feel so worn out by the time i got home if i didnt have to go to all those classes. but i could have went to another highschool where i didnt have as many classes or as much homework. i chose to go here. i like learning. i just need a car. seriously, i have to get a job. fucking ASAP. i just want to go to sleep!!!

i'm going to study for 10 fucking minutes and go to sleep. wake up at 5 and jog. yeah!! even if the rest of the fucking day sucks. i can be proud of myself for that.

i am getting a little depressed again. three weeks of dumps =depression. if this lasts longer, i'll need to up my dose. i hate that, but i will. bleh. bleh. bleh.

i'm trying to do too many things still.

learn and make good grades in school
juice/exercise
get job
stay social
maintain the good friendships i already have

these are the things i am focusing on in the order they should be prioritized. but, somehow i fail in all areas. i think it is because i keep trying to do it all.
i have to remind myself that i cannot "fix" everything at one time. working on one or two things and making gradual steps, i will see results.

so, scool and juice/exercising are the two things.
getting a job is very important too, actually.

i'm fed up with myself. i keep procrastinating and just making things ahrder for myself, and then, i dont feel like doing it and i dont have the drive in me to perservere, and i dont. i give up night, after night. no, i cant do this anymore. tonight is the very last night. THE VERY LAST NIGHT!!

i dont really like to do this, or to have to do this to school, since i dont really like the system, but, i guess i have to:
i commit myself to schoolwork, and that includes homework. it is my full time job right now. it is my investment in my future. i am investing time and effort. effort is a choice. time is non-negotiable. so, if i dont put in the effort, i'm only wasting my time. i guess if i really wanted to i could drop out of the public-private school i go to and go to my neighborhood highschool and life would be much easier. but, it would and it wouldnt. i think it better i stay where i am. i do.
so, i put in the effort, and profit from my investment. and, i will profit.
i am not meaning money profit. i am meaning happiness. because, i'm sure, in today's society, a highschool diploma from a nationally accredited highschool will make life easier. i can get into college more easily. actually, it all boils down to oppurtunities.
highschool diplomas are little tickets for oppurtunity.
bleh. bleh. bleh.

i'm going to try something new.
the following is what i'm going to try:

tomorrow, my goals are to:
-juice
-get started on homework as soon as i get home
-exercise afterwards
-call ophelia

this week, my goals are to:
-juice all week
-exercise every morning when i wake up
-get started on homework immediately after i get home

blah. i procrastinated and now i'm tired and i havent done my homework.
i think i'll go to sleep at 10:30 and wake up at 4:30 to finish my homework.
i want to start getting on that sleeping schedule. that would be so awesome!!
i can do that.

i can get a job, too. and, i can be in a club. and, i can have friends and do things with them.
i can be 100% raw. i can make As and Bs. i can be a born-again virgin.
i can have a car soon. i can have my own place soon.
i can do everything i dream of. everything. anything. i dream.
and, oh how i dream. i'm so tired.

i forgot to take my medicine today.
this has been a good weekend.
tomorrow is a new day.
so, i may not make As and Bs first quarter. so, i'll make a C or 2. grades do not reflect my level of intellect anyways, but my lack of disclipline. and oh how i hate my lack of disclipline. i also hate my lack of a strong sense of self. these are the two things i'm working on and seem to make no progress even as i make efforts. do i not make good enough efforts? no.
i think my problem is i'm going about these things the wrong way. i'm trying to improve in too many areas and seeing little progress in all of them because i'm dispersing my efforts so diversely, my efforts are thinly spread. yes.
this is the source of my seeming failure.
so, how do i decide on one thing??!!
well. making better grades, juggling school, a job & socializing, and losing weight by exercising and being a 100% vegan raw foodist all fit into the category of self-discipline.
making, having, and keeping friendships is in line with getting a stronger sense of self.
so, though both of these things matter much to me, one of them allows me to incorporate more into it, so this is the one i have chosen to focus on.
so.
i will make better grades.
i will have a job.
i will not let the above get in the way of making, having, & keeping friends.
i will lose weight because
i will be a strict vegan
i will be 100% raw.
YEAH!! i'm excited.
all this talk about doing the things that will make me happier makes me happier.
now, do not get discouraged leila. be unswayable. be headstrong. be steadfast. be determined. YES!

I've noticed something:

I eat to avoid doing homework and/or studying.
I also get online to avoid it too.

I'm going to get a job and start volunteering. I have too much time, and it's going to be awhile before I start socializing a lot more, at least a month or two, and I need the freedom of having my own money, and by saving up enough money, having my own car. i'll be eighteen in about a month and a half. I want to move out soon.

"If you had a small child standing in front of you looking up at you with an innocent face, would you tell her how much you hate her because she is fat? Never, so why is it OK to tell yourself that? It's not. So think of your inner child (give her an age) standing in front of you, starving for your (parents) attention. You can ignore her, verbally abuse her, or soothe her. Think about what your parents did to you. Today, you have a choice, don’t continue to verbally abuse yourself with harsh words and criticisms that only make you the cycle of self-hatred continue.

You can heal those wounds, Think of it this way: Adopt your inner child, she’s STARVING, she’s been neglected, criticized and emotionally abandoned. If you saw a five year old on the street, your heart would go out to her, well that’s what your inner child feels, too. It's not hunger pains you feel, it’s the child who never heard those words of love from the parents who raised you."

uh...i cant find the post where i planned out the plans to reach my goals??? that's proably the only valuable post in this journal. soon, i'm going to clean this out. i dont like this obsession with food that i'm developing. i need to develop a good social life, get a job, join a club, make good grades, help out around the house, lose weight. yeah. losing wieght is only one of the things i need to do, and i'm focusing so much on it. probably because it's the easiest thing to focus on.

i'm good. i'm doing good. i dont know what my personality is anymore, that's the only thing that really bothers me anymore. and, all the resistance i still have to putting forth the effort to do well in school.

and, i have to write ellen. and, talk to amber. and, talk to ms. m.

but, i'm socializing more and more. i'm still eating really well. i'm still doing pretty good in school.

i'm sick right now, so i dont really feel like doing anything. but, i'm going to get my homework done today.

i'm not listing off the foods i eat anymore. i need something better to focus on and to occupy my mind.

i'm back down to 121 though! yay.

i'm back up to 124. i've been overeating. i really, really have.

and, i havent been able to fit exercising into the school week, yet. but, i'm going to start running up and down the stairs for 5 min. or running in place for at least 5 min. every morning. i'll do the same in the afternoon, for at least 15 min.

so there.
that's not that much, but it's better than nothing. and, i can excercise harder and longer on weekends.



i've lost my sense of self. when i'm with people, i am what fits the situation best. it's been so long that i've been out of myself, i dont have a strong sense of self. i cant remember who i am. i'm having to recreate myself. i havent put much thought into yet, but i need to figure out how i want to be. i need to reassess things, and rethink the way i used to be, because some of those ways weren't good for me.

i'm not really having a problem not being on the look out for relationship potential, because whether i knew it or not, i was looking for someone to latch onto and suck life from. i'm not doing that anymore. i used to be such an indepent, self-reliant, strong, powerful woman. i want to be that way and feel that way again. these days, i feel weak and cowardly. so small, and so afraid. and, i really need to work on my self-image. i dont feel like i am intelligent, or beautiful, i dont even feel pretty. i dont think i have much of a personality anymore. i think i lack charisma. i'm not a very good conversationalist. i cant make people laugh. i cant remember how to make friends. i dont have any strong, real friendships. i could have one, but i'm not doing ANYTHING on my part. i've actually pushed ellen away. there's nick, but it's always in the back of my mind that he used to like me, and may still like me, and that makes being his friend a little difficult. i feel that kind of vibe, and that vibe doesnt make a friendship with him feel very friendly. (i guess that phrasing makes some sense).

but all this is okay. everyday, i'm talking more and more. i'm beating myself up less and less.

i still feel inferior to everyone and everything. i still feel like happiness needs to be earned, and i dont deserve it. i know that isn't right. that's why i'm working on it.

i'm still dealing with issues with my mom. best realistic scenario, she gets off the heavy drugs, SHE calls me to talk with me, not just to me, and SHE makes plans to hang out with me, and she does things with me that are things i'd like to do. for me, this seems realistic, because it doesnt seem that hard to do. but, it hasnt happened yet. see, i dont see me living with her, and i dont see her getting completely off of drugs. worst case scenario, since i have to accept it, if it should happen, she gets back into harder and harder drugs. right now, she's pretty heavy into them, and she never calls me to talk to me, and she never makes plans with me. and she says she worries about our relationship? does that make you feel better, mom? to say you worry? because that makes it seem like at least you care enough to 'worry'? i cant even believe you really do. maybe me or my sister cross your mind every now and then, when your mind is here in reality and not in fuzzyland. i know reality is scary. you have to face yourself and your past and all your mistakes and where you've gotten yourself, but is is really better to stay safe and warm in your illusions? dont you know that once you face reality, you can accept it, and then, change what you can, move on from the rest, and make a better one, a better one that is REAL. have you not thought of that? i've forgiven you for the most part. that should make it a lot easier to forgive yourself. i'm not angry with you for the things you've done, i'm just losing my hope for you with every thing you are doing now. i cant hope anymore that you'll get clean, you'll be a good mother to me and my sister, that you'll call us, and make plans with us that you keep, that we'll be able to get along, that you'd be independent, fix your car and drive yourself around, so you dont have to pay the guy who is supposed to be your boyfriend and who is driving the car that your parents gave him for FREE, that you'll manage your money better, so that you could send money to my sister, so she can have some of those things her dad tells her he cant afford, or just so she could have some money for herself, that she can buy whatever she can and wants for herself, and so that you could help me buy a car, and pay for college. i'd love to do fun things with you, be able to have fun with you. but i cant. i dont think anyone could have a good time with you, unless they're high. you haven't grown into a person. you started doing drugs when you were a preteen, mom, and you havent really stopped since. i dont even know who you are, and i bet you dont either. you dont have to be a drug addict. that's not who you are. that's how you're choosing to be.

i dont miss you anymore, mom, like i used to. i used to miss you. it used to really upset me that you never call, that you never want to hang out with me. i think now, you should be the one missing me, not me missing you. why should i call you? you never call me. why should i try to make plans with you? you never follow through. i used to be afraid to get close to anyone, because i was subconsciously aware, having experienced it with you, of how easily people can hurt me, and how easily they can leave me. and it's still difficult for me to trust people. because early on, i learned i could never trust who a child should be able to always be able to trust the most, their mother.

i've been doing pretty good in school. i've just got to keep it up, and keep doing better, because i still havent totally broken some of the bad habits. i'm doing good though.
i'm going to earn my massage (i've told myself i'll but myself a massage if i make good grades). it's a good motivator, when i feel like blowing off my homework. it really helps me to puch myself harder. to study when i really dont have to, because i'm not really being held accountable.

i'll be fine. i'm doing good. i forgot to take my medicine for a few days, and i've noticed that i havent been thinking as clearly. my mood didnt change much, but my concentration did. that's weird?

i'm still struggling to see ellen as a friend, and not as someone i have romantic feelings for. why is that so hard to do?

yeah. i guess that's it.

i binged last night. i mean, i binged. i didnt overeat. i binged. i'm not going to freak out, and fast, or exercise instead of doing my homework. or, beat myself up. i'm just going to eat a lot, lot better. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. i just keep telling myself it's not going to kill me, and i can make up for it, slowly. i dont have to take any drastic measures. it's hard to do. it really is. it shouldnt be. i'm so weird. i have this super-strictness inside me, and then i have this very desirous, who-cares-ness too. like, as i'm typing this there is an inner-dialogue saying "fast. fast. just fast for a few days." but i know that would only slow my metabolism down. that same kind of thing within me is also saying "exercise. exercise for a few hours. do you homework later. exercise." and, the other side is saying "just go make a raw, date/nut/peach cobbler. it's not that bad for you. it's natural sugar. it's high calorie, but it's nutritous. you really want it. it was denying yourself taste-pleasure that made you binge like that anyways, wasn't it. dont deny yourself as much and you wont binge as much", and yet another inner dialogue going on right now is "or it could be the frosting-less processed, unreal, nutrient lacking, refined sugar cupcake you ate last night, putting this sweet-craving into affect. maybe you should deny this craving. because it would have an unhealthy, wrong power over you. you should not let some devious sweet-craving overpower you.".
why does this have to be so hard? why is it such an issue. because i think so much of my self-confidence relies on my appearance. but that's dumb. i'd probably feel a lot better about myself if i felt more intelligent.

i'm gonna call my sister.

i need to jog for 45 min. x4 a week.
or, for 30 min. x6 a week
or, for 1 hr x3 a week.
because i need to jog for at least 3 hours a week.

jogging for 1 hr. at a comfortable pace, non-stop burns 500 calories.
if i jogged for an hour everyday, i'd burn off a lb. worth of calories.


i burn 270 calories doing the tae bo workout for 20 min.
it's about 100 calories every 10 min. !!



'People who eat fewer calories may need more exercise to burn 3,500 calories because dieting slows their metabolism. With a more sluggish metabolic rate, a person must exercise more to burn accumulating calories. Put another way, a high calorie diet generates a higher metabolic rate.'


So, I eat very small amounts of low calorie, nutrient dense foods several times throughout the day, to keep my metabolism up.

And, when I eat grains, bananas, avocados, nuts, high-fat seeds, olive oil, dried fruits, dates, etc. i will "earn" them!! or, pay my dues afterwards.

food process a bunch of carrots until they're shredded, or shred them by hand. set aside.

chop walnuts into small pieces and add.

food process enough dates to make the mixture sticky and mash in.

add raisins, cinnamon, nutmeg, whatever other spices you want.

you can roll them in coconut, chopped walnuts, whatever you want.

i think i'm going to make those carrot cake balls for andrew.

i dont know what's happened to me. this week has been very weird. i've had some really crazy nightmares, and some really weird phases of emotions. i was on my period. i'm not anymore. i had some sweets, and they werent even that good.
i made some date&nut pudding. geez! i ate 12 dates and 3/4 cup walnuts. that's like 500 calories! but...at least they weren't empty calories. and, i think my body has been needing fats because i've been craving them like mad.
i've also been eating a lot of cooked, and i'm not going to do that anymore.
the last three days, i've come home from school and stuffed myself, and stuffed myself some more, and i feel gross as i'm doing it, yet i dont stop myself.
i've got to plan my meals on the weekends. when i come home from school i'm so tired and/or "stressed" (which is really the equivalent of "emotional" for me)..i make bad decisions when i feel like that. but, no more. because i'll be prepared.
i'll premake salad, hummus, dehydrated breads. i'll have more simple meals: lots of salads, soups.
i've got a refriderator full of fruits and veggies.
i'm going to write out a meal plan this weekend.
i'm so thankful it's labor day weekend.
i've had a bad headache all day. my headaches had when away half way through the juice detox. i'm tempted to juice again. maybe, i will. i'll have juice all day, and soup or salad for dinner. or, a big tomato, or a big bowl of grapes. i'll premake sunflower power balls. i'll eat more nuts, so i dont go stir crazy. if i crave some sweets, i'll always have natural, and i'll only eat a little.

i'm going to start on my homework tonight, even though i dont feel very good.

yeah, i'm gonna take a bath and read for awhile.

mint green tea
orange juice
nectarine
1 half of wheat bread crust
carrot
homemade veggie soup
2 pieces of cornbread
sweetened granola
1/2 cup prunes
1 tbsp. honey

i know that's not that bad-but i want hungry. after the veggie soup-i wasnt hungry. i drank 1/2 gallon of water today. and i wasnt hungry. and, i still continued to eat all that.

but you know what i did do today?
nothing.
i cant really say i accompolished anything.
well, i stayed positive most of the day.
i was fairly nice most of the day.
i talked to people.
i was going to read my poem.
i studied instead of socialixing or distracting myself.

that's it. i didnt really do anything yet. but, i will. i'm going to write my poem.

as soon as i take my focus away from fitness, or i tell myself that i will..i lose all focus in that area. i cant do that. it gives me confidence. and, i guess i'm an all or nothing person. i havent practiced self-discipline enough. restriction and dedication to exercising is how i am doing that, as well as deveoping healthy habits, such as getting up the same time everyday, and not procrastinating homework-which i'm doing right now.
i've got this habit of coming home from school, ever-eating, and doing nothing somehow for two or three hours. i've got to break it!
i still want to eat. i go from not wanting to eat at all to eating like i've got a whole where everything falls through me, and i just want to fill myself up.
but this body that i'm in isn't me, and most of these clothes i where, dont feel like me.
i wonder if obese people feel like their bodies reflect nothing of who they are. i feel like my fat, my pimples, my frizzy hair covers everything i trully am. and i cant get myself through all my flaws. these flaws i can fix, they're superficial, and yet, the internal flaws i'm working on, not quite fixed, can't show through, because i cant quite completely fix the superficial ones, or at least that's how i feel. but, i think thats probably dumb. i'm just making excuses. i'm making excuses not to make myself show through, and i'm making excuses not to make myself reflect me.
i want to juice and juice and juice. i want vegetables and fruit. tomorrow is another day. i do better tomorrow. i was going to go home with myrah and study, but granny and grandad wont be here this weekend, so they wouldnt be able to pick me up. so..i want to make plans to hang out with someone..maybe..nick. since he can give me a ride home, and it wouldnt be to much, since we've already gotten to know each other pretty well. i need to get comfortable "socializing" again.
i want to stop trying to fix myself. i'm always looking at what is wrong with me. i've never been happy with myself and my life as it is- and i should be, and i want to be.
i will be. i am.
i need to stop being so afraid.

i think i may stop doing this. i want to refocus myself, so i dont obsess about my diet and fitness. i'm going to focus on school, learning, and retaining. and then, working, as well.

i dont want to be so oriented about that.

well, anyways..
today:

big glass of fresh apple juice
2 cups organic granola (not fresh)
2 nectarines
1 banana
1 corn cob (fresh, plain)
1 bowl of homemade veggie soup
1 small piece of cornbread

walk for 30 min.

did all my homework. procrastinate only a little.

tomorrow is a new day.
and i still have hours of today.
i will do all my homework, and take a shower.
and tomorrow, i will do it all as soon as i get home.
then, i will wash clothes.

i will study this weekend.
i will exercise this weekend.

i wont beat myself up for my mistakes.
why do i feel so down??
the food!!
or my period?
the food..